Friday, August 10, 2012

WARNING: If you think he's cheating, then he probably is!

I'm very happy to introduce "Cautionary Tales"; a section dedicated to sharing and learning from the experiences that have taught us the greatest lessons. 



Several years ago I met and fell deeply in love with a man. I felt something I had never experienced before on that level. I loved his family and they loved me, we talked for hours, we laughed until it hurt, and we were incredibly attracted to one another…it was magical...or so I thought.

The signs...
After a couple of years of bliss, things took an interesting turn. His behavior changed. He became distant, territorial with his phone, and treated me with distrust (major projection). To top it all off, there were mysterious hang up calls to my cell phone. All my female hormones were telling me to run for the hills! Still, I hung in there because I loved him...duh!

Photo taken from: http://akizogn.blogspot.com/2009/02/lovesick.html



What really broke the camel's back?
I was over at his place one day and we had an amazing “session”. Afterwards, I decided to take a hot shower. The mirror in the bathroom spanned almost the entire wall. 

Have you ever written on a mirror or window with your finger when it's foggy? Do you know you can see the message you wrote the next time it fogs up?

I stepped out of the shower and there it was…the writing was literally on the wall. Out of the fog I had actually and figuratively created, were random words or maybe I was too angry to read them properly. Either way, no matter what they actually read, they screamed "you're being cheated on".  The handwriting was obviously female and definitely not his. 

Photo taken from: http://thefinishingtouchevents.com/be-romantic-all-year-round

Oh, am I the problem?
Needless to say, the relationship didn’t work out and now he’s surely someone else’s problem. Still, I learned a great deal about love and relationships from that experience. I was the problem. He treated me the way I allowed myself to be treated. I felt ridiculous for not following my instincts. I had effectively convinced myself I was making more of the evidence than need be.

The truth is, no matter how perfect I thought things were in the beginning, there were always signs. His behavior didn't change, his level of respect for me did. He simply didn't try to hide it as much. Had I followed my heart as soon as the red flags went up, I might have saved myself a lot of heartache.  In the end, I had to rid myself of the virus he had become. As hard as it was, I had to survive him, surpass him, and look damn good doing it!

What I believe:
  1. Men obviously don't know how to use Windex.
  2. If you have to even think about looking through his phone, email, voicemail etc. keep it moving; anyone who makes you “that girl” isn’t worth your time.
  3. Your fight is never with the other woman, she isn’t the one in a relationship with you. It’s possible you’re focusing on her because it’s easier than dealing with him. 
  4. Love doesn’t hurt; so stop romanticizing the pain you feel. Pain is a sign this could be wrong for you.
  5. Don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions. You may not get honest answers, or even worse, you may get answers you don’t want to hear. Still, you will learn a lot from his body language. You owe it to yourself to ask.
  6. Don’t allow him to make you an option while you’re making him a priority. You deserve to reap just as much as you give in a relationship.
  7. Don’t hold it against the next guy, he could be the one that jerk was preparing you for.
  8. Most importantly, don’t rationalize away your female intuition. You know when something isn’t right, so follow your gut.
Live Beautifully Tip: 
Love yourself first. It may sound counter intuitive to some, but living by this philosophy will help remember what's important...your happiness. Don't love your partner at the expense of your values, self-respect, health or joy.

Do you have your own cautionary tale? It can be about anything- past relationships, fashion "do's and don'ts" or an embarrassing moment. What do you want to warn us about? If you would rather not have your name shared, please indicate that in your submission. Submit your Cautionary Tale here!

Live Beautifully,

11 comments:

  1. This is a great story and list. I was in a long-term relationship once where my ex wasn't cheating, but was certainly thinking about it. The signs were there, but I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t want to give up on my dream of the white house with the picket fence. I did go thru his wallet and found a letter from another girl telling him to leave me if he wasn’t happy. After many screaming sessions he finally left. And of course everything was all my fault. In the end though I realized it wasn’t about me it was about him and like you he brought out the worst in me. I moved on, spent some time in counseling and eventually met my current husband who accepts me as I am. I’ve been married for 14 years.

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    1. I'm so happy you found someone worth your time. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason, our job is to just try to find the lessons in those experiences. Thank you for sharing!

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  2. A (not-so) great story. Ugh. What an experience to go through. Thanks for opening up and sharing your story.

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    1. Thank you for commenting, Lissa. I can't tell this story now without laughing about it. To me it sounds like something out of a movie. It was hard at the time, but I learned a great deal. For me, it's all about forward movement. : )

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  3. I'm so sorry you had to go through this but thank you for sharing this with all of us. The tips are great too. It is so important to love ourselves and to respect ourselves. And yes, men don't know how to use Windex for sure!

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  4. I totally agree with the Windex part. They don't use Comet, Lysol, or bleach either...Dirty is, as dirty does!

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  5. Wow...what a horrible way to have your instincts proven right! Sounds like it could have been straight out of a movie or something. There is a lot to be said for a woman's intuition though. Unfortunately, for most of us, it takes at least one 'learned it the hard way' moment before we figure that out. Stopping by from SITs Saturday Sharefest by the way :)

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  6. Terrific post. I love the idea of cautionary tales posts. Life is too short to spend it worrying about someone who cheats on you. Been there. Done that.

    Stopping by from SITS. So glad I did.

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  7. Your tale reads like so many I've heard before - but a least you give some sound advice at the end of the story!! Loving yourself first and being solid in your core values and morals really does enable you to identify the warning signs/red flags and have the strength to act on them immediately, rather than second guess your true inner voice. Thanks so much for stopping by The Best of this Life today!!

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  8. I had a "YES!" moment when reading point 2. I was just having a conversation today with someone about phones/email/etc. I think one big current day test of trust is that you should know that both should be perfectly open and willing at any point to hand over their phone/email password/etc, and the other should never have the feeling that they need to ask for it.

    (Visiting from the Saturday Sharefest at SITS Girls)

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  9. Great advice, and I'm sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing your lessons, though.

    #1 made me giggle a little. :)

    Stopping by from SITS Sharefest.

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